so new years. ive been thinking. and the new year is supposed to be like a clean slate. fresh start, new beginning. but it's reeally not. you know the same people, they're aware of your same mistakes and you're aware of theirs. you don't get a second chance at botched relationships or a new shot at a missed opportunity. you fuck up when you write a check for a few weeks, then you get used to the new number. that's all that really changes. well, not all that really changes. construct tho it is, this arbitrary date gives some people the excuse to really examine themselves, where they've been, where they're headed. and given that reflection some people really do change direction.

anyway. clean slates have me thinking about down the road when i'll be going off to college. it seems like im putting that time on a pedestal, believing it'll be a REAL clean slate. all new people, all new surroundings. nobody will know anything about who i was or what i did, i get to start fresh with who i am. it's all so appealing. of course it won't be as total as that, but i feel like i want it to be. i want to go to college in like california, or in another country. i'll make it my home, really. everyone else i know who left for college this year still calls this town home. i guess i will for a while, but it seems like if i'm close it'll be .. i'll keep coming back. because i love so many people here and i couldn't be so close and not be with them. but if i was far away, there'd be a big horned monster of ocean or of land between us. and suddenly that stretch of space is the enemy, and there's no guilt and there's no conflict. i am where i am and it's my new home, and ill get back when i can but it's understandable that that's not often. but college, clean slate, back to all that. the new, fresh beginning ... for real. well how often do you get that chance? i want to sever all ties, and leave here and never look back. again, ill never be able to, ive made too many connections and i really do love too many people. but this is about ideals.

dangerous, those. this ideal that i'll leave here and the mistakes i made here won't matter anymore ... if i let it get out of control i'll start looking forward to it, and it'll seep into my everyday. ill get careless, i'll let my state of affairs here get worse and worse and think "well at least ill leave it all behind soon." and not only am i looking far too off into the future since i'll be here another 2 and a half years, but there are roots here that are gonna matter later and i don't wanna fuck up. so i've gotta put this out of my mind for now and take what i've got and try to work with that.
it's not bad at all, really. i've got it pretty damn good. i don't know what the fuck i'm complaining about, if this ends up coming off whiny which these usually do. but whatever, it came out of my face so i bet it knows me better than i do.

at any rate. years may be constructs, but that doesn't make the idea useless. take the time to sit back and think, if only because now is such a stereotypical time to do so as to give you an excuse. have a good year, don't fall into routines and forget to live it.